Thou Shalt Not Whine

There’s no crying in chamber music.

No one wants to work with a whiner and no one likes to hear a whiner.  We all know this but somehow we hear way too many stories of people venting or complaining about someone they have worked with.  We might do it ourselves.   I also want to add that even if the complaint is warranted venting out dirty laundry doesn’t serve anyone, it actually hurts the person making the judgments more.  

I would go as far as to say that it is a reflection of that person’s character.  So if you do this whining - STOP, seriously do yourself a favor and reflect on why you are doing that.  Remember that emotions change but the words and actions may linger or stay with someone, be wise with what you say and don’t say. Let’s keep it real, people talk.  So if you don’t want people to recite what you said, keep your trap shut and for Pete’s sake DON’T post it on social media, the internet never forgets!

So how do we prevent these sorts of situations?  How can we act in grace but get our points across?  Being able to respond in tense situations as opposed to reacting is an important skill to possess, it’s a requirement.  However, this requires analyzing the situation and even taking a few steps back to assess what is truly going on.  

Here are my thoughts:

Find the right people to work with

When you find the right people to work with it is magic! When you have a group that works well nurture it, it is a rare treasure.  I cannot tell you how many countless times I have seen groups form and disband.  I have plenty of those on my chamber music belt.  It’s very common, don’t beat yourself up if you are still searching for the ensemble of your dreams.  Be persistent and be choosey with who you work with.

The only way you can find the right people is to do what I call a “test pilot” project. Essentially, it is a short-term performance event that you do together with a group.  The point of this is to see if you are compatible, to keep your artistic presence moving and to build your portfolio and network.  Once you find you are compatible with a group or certain individuals in the group keep the connection and see if you are able to continue creating opportunities together to find if there is longevity in the professional relationship.

If you can’t pick your colleagues, be diplomatic and respectful (we’re all human)

This is where the complaints normally come from, ensembles where you don’t get to pick your friends (kinda reminds me of high school).  It’s not always easy, sometimes you will deal with people who are not at the same artistic or musical level or maybe some who can be very dominating.  In these situations I say, less is more.  Listen, do your job and don’t pick sides if there is a squabble. Stay on task and play well, that is really all you can do and what you are paid to do.  Every action you take, every word that you say make it a priority to have it be productive. 

Pick your battles.  Don’t start World War 3 over how to phrase measures 10-14, that’s just ridiculous.  Keep the integrity of the music and move on.  However, don’t be a pushover.  Be clear and selective with your words.  If people are making errors don’t attack the person; focus on the music and what needs to be done. Always remove the I/me and make it we/us.  So if someone is late consistently, you can address it in terms of getting more done if we are ready on the downbeat as a full ensemble.  But gossiping or whispering behind someone’s back, nope not okay. That will make you the problem.

If someone is being persistently overbearing towards you, you need to confront them one on one.  Be diplomatic but don’t allow the person to demean you either.  I’m a New Yorker and I don’t take people’s BS*** but never lose your cool.  Be civilized, please.  Unprofessional behavior, like name-calling or being accusatory, is a complete loss for you and everyone. Don’t engage with that mess and don’t start. If you focus on the music and address it in terms of getting the job done it should help.  We are not all perfect but we all need to be respectful.  If you find that you have a few people that are easier to work with and are easier to speak to you can always get their assessment of the situation or musical ideas. But, don’t expect them to pick sides.  Most people will not want to insert themselves in conflict.  

Know your stuff 

Be prepared and ready to do your job.  Know the score and your part and how your colleague’s parts weave into your own.  If you know your stuff you are untouchable even if someone is being petty. As always keep your cool and your composure and be able to share your why. Why play the phrase that way or why count the section in this manner.  

Be open-minded to suggestions but remember, the music comes first -  we don’t live in a post-fact world. Facts are your friend and classical music is the beauty of facts and pathos. In addition to being prepared in terms of knowing the music, make sure you also have all your materials: (reeds, barrels, etc.).  Knowing your stuff is simply professional and it allows you to be an asset to your group. Life is a bit easier when you are prepared.

Don’t be a demanding diva or an obstructor

This is the worst (Ugggh...who has time for that, no one that’s who) I had a recent experience of working with someone who had a number of insecurities and would bring them to me to figure out.  I tried my hardest but I realized halfway through the project that I had reached out to the wrong person.  Long story short, this person became an obstructor, a poison to the group and the project had to be halted.  Sometimes you have to drop people from the group, not the best feeling.  Things have to happen or it’s a waste of time; work and decisions need to be done and made. I say, drop them quick.

People who have severe insecurities are unable to focus on the big picture and can really only focus on themselves.  They will be toxic and suck the joy and energy out of your project or venture, beware!   You cannot help them with this.  Pay attention to people who drag the group or project down. You should confront them to see if their concern can be resolved but most of the time it cannot. When one thing is solved another issue pops up.  Be polite, respectful and tell them it is simply not the right time and that for this project they are not the right fit for what you need and that it, nothing personal. Keep it short and simple. It’s not that you want to cut people off it’s just simply unhealthy for you or your career to deal with people when they are in that state.  It is not your problem that this person has these insecurities and you cannot be everything to everyone. If they are upset about it, let them be. It’s better to release them and give them time to move on to things that better suit them. Holding on to them is a disservice to them and yourself. Don’t waste each other’s time.

Take that weight off your shoulders because it’s hard enough to do your job and deal with all the other things going on in your life. You deserve to have peace and have your work be pleasant.  Not all of your work will be easy or pleasant but if you find that you are consistently dealing with people who bring you down, something has to change and you have to make that change happen. Stand your ground and change the situation, even if it mean you leaving for better opportunities.  Don’t live with resentment, waste your time and never allow yourself to be put in that position, period.

Give people the benefit of the doubt

I say, you can always learn from others so give them the benefit of the doubt, try and make an effort.  We all want a chance, so don’t be stingy but be reasonable and know your threshold.  Being a clear communicator will also help rid of any misunderstandings if one arises. I have learned so much from being open-minded. I’ve learned different tricks, methods and interpretations by allowing others to lead and stepping aside.  In music nothing is set in stone, it is only but a moment and then you move on to the next phase.  You will most likely play the work again and that will produce another opportunity to delve into the piece and try another interpretation or approach.  In chamber music, this is a part of the beauty.  If you find yourself doing most of the talking stop and allow others to do so.  Allowing entry points for others will build trust and comradely in the ensemble.  The joy of chamber music is collaboration so give your colleagues the benefit of doubt and enjoy your life. Music-making is a privilege and is fun.  Remember that!

So stop your whining and do something about it, most of the time it means you need to change your surroundings and even reflect and change yourself for the better.

Play on my friends!